Secret
by NeverMessWithTeddyBears
Summary: Because that's your secret. You're always angry.


**Secret**

* * *

><p>The feeling is always there, as present as your shadow. Except, the difference with shadows is that once the darkness comes, the shadow goes away. In your case, your shadow doesn't fade - it grows, becomes stronger. Eats you up completely and utterly and you feel like you can't breathe.<p>

Your anger consumes you from the inside out and you're just so fucking sick of it already.

You remember a time when things were different. You remember a time when you were able to get annoyed over a silly little thing without your skin turning the lightest shade of green and getting the feeling as if you were going to burst open at any moment.

You remember a time where your pulse was just something that showed you were still alive and that your heart was doing it's job; a time when it wasn't a reminder that even the slightest fastening of its steady rhythm could mean that you're a possible threat for everyone and anyone around you.

But, as the days pass, it gets harder and harder to remember a time when you weren't a monster.

* * *

><p>The anger is constantly bubbling in your chest, just waiting for the moment to be released. You manage to keep it in control - you meditate, yoga helps as well - but keeping it in control isn't the same as making it disappear and, God, how you fucking wish it was.<p>

"Are you here to kill me, Ms. Romanoff? Because that's not gonna work out for everyone.", you ask.

She shakes her head. "No, no - of course not."

You kind of wish she said yes.

She tells you about S.H.I.E.L.D. and why they want you, and you really don't want to be having this conversation right now since you can almost smell the anger rising inside you.

"What if I say no?"

"I'll persuade you."

You laugh. She's good; really good. Of course they'd send in their best to take care of a monster like you.

Right now, as Natasha Romanoff is trying to persuade you, you also wish for the anger to just fly away like the leaves on autumn wind because you are _this close_ to losing it and you really don't want to hurt anyone.

"What does Fury want me to do; swallow it?", for a second you wonder if maybe that'd do a better job of trying to kill you, but you don't ponder the idea for too long.

Instead, you ponder the idea of how much you can get away with. You want to know if you can manage to scare the seemingly fearless woman in front of you.

You also know she's lying to you. You know you're surrounded; you're not an idiot. S.H.I.E.L.D. wouldn't send their best spy in without back up, especially when she's dealing with a real life Dr. Jekyll also known as you.

And Mr. Hyde is very eager to come out and play.

The Hulk favors a direct assault, that much you know. You favor it, too, although in the cases where he prefers to use his fists, you use your head. Your brain has always been your best friend and it's definitely not about to fail you now. You want to know her hand, the trick you know she's got up her sleeve; no matter how small the hand or the trick may be.

If you manage to scare Natasha Romanoff in the process, it'll be a kind of a small victory for the Hulk to enjoy.

"Talk to Fury, he needs you on this.", she says and you see this as your chance.

"He needs me in a cage."

_Take the bait, take the bait, take the bait._

"No one's going to put you in a cage.", she took it.

You slam your palm on the table, invading her space just a bit. "Stop lying to me!", you yell and she flinched, pulling out her gun.

You hear about a dozen other guns clicking into place as well.

"I'm sorry.", you say. "That was mean. I just wanted to see what you'd do."

And as she lowers her gun and tells her back up to stand down, you try not to comment on the sound of at least a dozen snipers doing the same but you fail.

"Just you and me.", you say but you know she did the right thing. No one is crazy enough to come stand against the Hulk by themself; not even Natasha Romanoff.

No one but you.

* * *

><p>You don't really know why you decided to help. Maybe you wanted to believe her, for a moment. Believe that all they wanted was just scientific help and that you'd manage to maybe even go for two years without an incident.<p>

But, as always, people always have ulterior motives, and soon you realise that they're still afraid of you as much as you're afraid of yourself and that one year without incident just isn't that good enough for them.

Natasha talks about Loki's manipulation and you can't help but point out that she hasn't been doing much different. They all haven't.

She says you didn't come just because she batted her eyelashes at you.

(You think that maybe you did.)

They gave away your room, you tell them. Your voice is bitter and you're just angry - so, so angry - and you're trying to keep your blood pressure to a minimum but that's not really working out so well.

Fury says the cell was just in case. In case what? In case the needed to kill you? Well, they can't. You know that. You've tried more than once.

And every time your worse half just spit out the bullet.

"You want to know my secret, Ms. Romanoff? You want to know how I stay calm?"

You never tell her, because all of a sudden you're holding Loki's scepter in your hand and everyone is just so _scared_ and ready to attack. A part of you wishes that they do something; it wishes that they have a secret weapon that they'll use any moment now and that you'll finally be dead and everyone will finally be safe.

Instead, you just put the scepter down, and everyone visibly relaxes.

(Except you know that they never will.)

* * *

><p>You can feel him coming out bit by bit; you're losing yourself, you're not able to breathe and she's there she's <em>right there<em> and her legs are stuck and she's just looking at you with so much fear - fear you thought you'd never ever ever see on the face of Natasha Romanoff.

She's talking to you, but you barely catch what she's saying. The Hulk felt you were in danger - danger in which Loki purposely put you in to let the beast out - and he won't just let it go. He won't let you die, you know that. If you die, he dies and that's just not allowed to happen.

Natasha Romanoff swears on her life. You look at her with broken eyes because in about three seconds, she won't have that to swear on anymore.

She calls you Bruce.

(You're not Bruce anymore, though, are you?)

* * *

><p>You didn't hurt anyone so you sigh in relief because tonight you won't be adding another innocent name to the list you keep in your belongings but know by heart, anyways.<p>

When you see that Natasha's okay, you relax a bit more. You know she's still somewhat afraid - she doesn't show it, never would - but you know. You also know that Natasha Romanoff doesn't _do_ afraid and she won't let the fear of the big green monster live for long. She's that kind of person; you might not know her for long her, but you know that.

"I've seen worse."

"Sorry."

"No.", she says and your brows furrow in the slightest of confusion. "We could use a little worse."

You smile at her - a genuine smile - and the next thing you're focusing on is Steve telling you that it would probably be a good time for you to get angry.

Your smile turns to an ironic one as you turn around and slowly start walking.

You're about to tell them the great, big secret everyone's been wanting to find out, if only a little. How do you keep the Hulk in a cage? Well, the answer is simple.

You're always angry.

* * *

><p><strong><em>A.N.:<em> A bit of angst-y Bruce Banner character study (_because that character will be the death of me_) with subtle Bruce/Natasha (_because I'm Hulkwidow trash_). Everything recognisable belongs to the almighty Marvel**.


End file.
